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Helplessness pattern as a reaction to injury
Up to a certain age, we are only what parents tell us about us.. If mom loves us, then we know about ourselves that we deserve love. If it rejects and depreciates, we grow up with a sometimes distinct, sometimes deeply hidden inside of ourselves and those around us, a sense of our own badness.
Feeling of weakness, helplessness in the face of life difficulties, lack of faith in one’s own strength and strong fear (in face of difficulties and fiasco) - the experience of a person who did not have sufficient, constant and stable support from parents in childhood, butthere were tasks in experience that did not correspond to his strength and development
In the exaggerated metaphor: how if a person who has never been involved in sports is obliged to win at the Olympic Games. That is, common sense to any adult will tell you that these are unrealistic requirements and you should not agree to this. And herethe child does not have such filters before the expectations of the parents.If something is persistently demanded or demanded of him, the child feels the need to conform. In this situation, some become "attainers." Others do not cope, and if the parent does not provide enough support here and does not lower the bar: they are injured from frustration and rejection. When, apart from the opinion of adults, there is still nothing to rely on, the only conclusion that suggests itself is that knowledge of oneself is bad, defective, insufficiently appropriate, about who mom is upset about, or is ashamed of grandmother, or dad had a better opinion.
Subsequently, any, even the most feasible new difficulties, can subjectively meet helpless horror. This is becausethe child cannot independently rework the amount of guilt and shame that arises in case of disappointmenttheir parents. And in adulthood, every time when life situations can potentially threaten a person, albeit in a small percentage, an unfavorable outcome, there is so much fear again to experience that unbearable cocktail of feelings that paralysis occurs. The situation ceases to be seen in real size.The risks are perceived as huge and causing irreparable damage, so that against their background the potential opportunities cannot outweigh and give energy to trying.
If a person is prone to violence against himself, then life turns into a fierce struggle with his "inferiority"in an attempt to force himself to ignore his own powerlessness and finally take up the “work”. Often, without sufficient attention to the needs that are behind this complex condition, a person after some time finds himself in depression, which only exacerbates the feeling of his own badness.
Because in order to start doing something, you need to enlist the support that was lacking in childhood. At least in the person of his therapist, who will help to search for his resource, notice his luck, and support in those places of experience where frustration will inevitably arise.People who tend to worry themselves helpless often suffer from a banal lack of experience in many areas of life, which is difficult to obtain because of the great fear of getting it in a negative way.
The difficulty is to accept the inevitability of getting not only a positive experience in life,in increasing the ability of a person to experience it and learn to find and appreciate its positive meaning (as any experience goes into the collection of our knowledge about ourselves and the world).
Oftensuch people have a dependent character structure.And they often demonstrate breakdowns, escaping from the zone of tension to addictive actions: compulsive spending of money, overeating, promiscuous sexual relations, gambling, workaholism, addictive relationships with one partner, which push the rest of life to the periphery. It is a way to distract from the solution of the main problem, and the unbearable feelings that it causes. For example, a person who suffers from financial difficulties all his life can borrow money to go on a journey, and then come what may. And on his return, he is forced painfully and difficultly to repay debts. And to feel from this even more helpless and incapable of anything.
People with strong patterns of helplessness often become adept manipulators.Some are well aware of themselves in this role and do not recognize fear. Others - know themselves from childhood, as a deprived poor guy, a loser, and vehemently outraged at any attempt to pay attention to what benefits for them adults in this position.
Most of all, these people want to become “normal”: quite mature, stable, reliable, strong, independent and self-confident. But do not understand how to do it. Rigid, perverted forms of creative adaptation to life (the only possible ones at one time), although they bring their own benefit, but in general they have a destructive effect on the system of a person’s relationship with himself and the world, and burden the emotional life with excessive shame, guilt and fear of the future.
If you, while reading this text, know yourself, but at the moment you are depressed, it is important to start finding help to get out of a depressive state: find a specialist, if necessary, a psychiatrist (to prescribe medication support) and a psychotherapist who can recover to a stable mental state. Then you can begin to notice the reality.In which I have no experience at all and I am afraid to receive it, and in what way do I feel quite stable?What am I doing well? The reality is that I am an adult and already have the potential to have enough strength and resources to learn to cope with many life difficulties, relying on someone stable and reliable.What are the real consequences of a possible loss or failure scaring me the most? How can they affect my life and how can I deal with it, who can I contact for help? (Playing the worst scenario significantly reduces anxiety). Step by step.
Not everything that a person knows about himself since childhood - truly characterizes him at a given point in time. And only thanks to the received new experience it is possible to learn about yourself.